unFathomable Envisagement,Imperfectly Perfect

S eptember 13th already. AHHHHHH I am doubting myself ain't sure what is my life all about. I lack the energy and passion and drive to do things. What is wrong with me? I am sick now. Always feeling weak and vulnerable. I hate it. Appraisal is soon to come. I don't know what I should do or say. I wish I could say something positive but my heart is negative about what I do daily. Felt like I have been forced into a job because of the money I need Indeed, that was my real intention. owed it to NUS, which I didn't even enjoyed my 4 years of life there..wasted my time and now I have to f**kin repay my loans in working in jobs I don't get to choose/love. Where has my life gone to? I should be controlling it, not the other way round. Damn. I wana return to the music line, but I'm just like any other rotten rusty music lover. Even if I do love music, I can't guarantee i can do music as my job. There are so many people out there who can do much more than me in music and...

It's the blues.. I can't seem to say it or express this feeling elsewhere.. Facebook is way tooo risky..hate having colleagues added and then u don't have privacy to post whatever mood u're feeling as the WHOLE WIDE WORLD will then know u're such a loser. Argh. Why couldn't I get motivation? I always couldn't perform at work. I get very demotivated and always getting myself into a mess and it takes a whole lot of worries and trouble to just clean up the mess I hate myself I have written /seek professional help but yet to hear any replies or phone call from them I don't know if I should persist I don't how long I can take this ACC course is starting tomorrow and I have to juggle again between WORK and STUDY IT IS FREAKING TIRING If you really love what you're doing, I am very sure I won't be feeling this way, dreading each day at work If I love what I'm doing I will be motivated at most times, only less motivated few times.... But now, I...

One month in the job. Feels sucky again. I don't know how to explain this feeling It is purely like "I wish the day ends faster" everyday and when weekends come, " I wish Mondays NEVER come" WHy??? I feel superbly exhausted and tired easily as though I haven't slept in days everyday. It feels as though a huge magnet had suck out one half of my magnetic energy away... I get headaches VERY OFTEN, few days in a week..and it hinders my concentration and thinking process so much it affects my work! I don't know what have become of me. The pledge ceremony just ended last Thursday and I felt empty still. I wasn't at all proud. I wasn't happy. I just wanted to get it over and leave. I think this is bad. I'm lost in a lonely island - lost, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. LOST. As I get older, my confidence level keeps spiralling downwards. Is there a huge problem with myself? Do I need to seek help? Who should I go to? Even if I do...

Okay. So I had my 6 weeks break before I finally become a P. Well the title doesn't really make me proud. When someone asks me ' How do you feel now that you overcame much hurdles and finally obtained your licence to be a professional P', I will have to think HARD and find an answer which must not sound too sad about it. You must be thinking, I must be crazy! Why feel sad when you achieved something, and earning much more than before?? My answer: because I felt like I don't know anything, because I feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities, because I am UNSURE if this job makes me happy, because I am UNSURE if this job allow for me to find my niche and potential and excel in it without compromising my happiness! My break was GOOD. It felt like I had TIME to do the things I wanted to do. relax, enjoy and worry -less. Yet, it felt awful thinking that I will not have this luxury in just a few days' time. In the midst of all these 'free' time I had, I picked up a...

3 days out of a one month's break. Feels good. Yet felt like I should be doing more. I have no idea. I hope to keep searching for my passion and what I do best. I fear. I fear when I officially commence work as a pharmacist I would not perform according to expectations. Yet i know i have to give my best..I always let myself down but it is not without effort. I shall console myself whenever I can that I've given my best. I wished there is more to life than just work alone. There is an emptiness I couldn't figure out what is missing. I guess it's the drive to live. A purpose that will keep me going instead of living just for the weekends. I should fail more. I should be happy failing and most importantly I have to be hard on the outside. Whatever it is, I need a hard, tough core. Gosh, this is tough.

It is the 13th March 2011. 3 months and 13 days passed since the year 2011 ushered in. And my training is coming to an end. Fast? not really. The days were slow. Nearly everyday is a torture. What is more torturing is what I am to expect next. I still couldn't find my raison d'etre. I still couldn't find happiness and passion in the things I'm doing. I still couldn't find my niche and confidence that could give me a reason for not being super lost every single day. What should I do? If I pass...what should I do? If I fail...where should I go? Japan...another disaster..earthquake, tsunami.. what's next. When you think or imagine being in such a situation, I doubt money, security or stressful nature of jobs will even matter to you anymore..what you will think of is just being able to go home safely to family, friends and loved ones. Can I do something that will help me keep track of how precious time is? Can I do something that will make me cherish every living mo...

Everyone is expecting and hoping that 2010 will end soon and that they happily usher the new year 2011. Argh. It's a jinxed new year. Every bad thing, doomed thing, jinxed thing will come to me. I hate 2010 enough already. I can't hate 2011 more than ever. It still has to come no matter what. I just have to find a way to be less doomed. I pray I won't die. Not literally. Seriously, I hope the word 'death' stays far from me and the people I know and care for. I just don't know how to cope. Argh.