unFathomable Envisagement,Imperfectly Perfect

3 days out of a one month's break. Feels good. Yet felt like I should be doing more. I have no idea. I hope to keep searching for my passion and what I do best. I fear. I fear when I officially commence work as a pharmacist I would not perform according to expectations. Yet i know i have to give my best..I always let myself down but it is not without effort. I shall console myself whenever I can that I've given my best. I wished there is more to life than just work alone. There is an emptiness I couldn't figure out what is missing. I guess it's the drive to live. A purpose that will keep me going instead of living just for the weekends. I should fail more. I should be happy failing and most importantly I have to be hard on the outside. Whatever it is, I need a hard, tough core. Gosh, this is tough.

It is the 13th March 2011. 3 months and 13 days passed since the year 2011 ushered in. And my training is coming to an end. Fast? not really. The days were slow. Nearly everyday is a torture. What is more torturing is what I am to expect next. I still couldn't find my raison d'etre. I still couldn't find happiness and passion in the things I'm doing. I still couldn't find my niche and confidence that could give me a reason for not being super lost every single day. What should I do? If I pass...what should I do? If I fail...where should I go? Japan...another disaster..earthquake, tsunami.. what's next. When you think or imagine being in such a situation, I doubt money, security or stressful nature of jobs will even matter to you anymore..what you will think of is just being able to go home safely to family, friends and loved ones. Can I do something that will help me keep track of how precious time is? Can I do something that will make me cherish every living mo...

Everyone is expecting and hoping that 2010 will end soon and that they happily usher the new year 2011. Argh. It's a jinxed new year. Every bad thing, doomed thing, jinxed thing will come to me. I hate 2010 enough already. I can't hate 2011 more than ever. It still has to come no matter what. I just have to find a way to be less doomed. I pray I won't die. Not literally. Seriously, I hope the word 'death' stays far from me and the people I know and care for. I just don't know how to cope. Argh.

I suck. I jus felt like im one of them. Im like a kid stuck in a 24 yr old and i am plain childish. I dont know who i am, what i can do and why are the rest doing what they are doing. I dont know what i am doing. I feel purposeless. I am jus useless. I am anhedonic. Nothing seems to cheer me up. Interests i used to have do not interest me much anymore. Prereg coming go an end and i know nothing. I dont undrstNd my existence as there is no difference except i add up to the total population on earth. I think i am too delusionised. How and what on earth am i doing? Mu thoughts are disorganised. I cant communicate in a manner that ppl understands me. Depressed, i am.

OK. Great. Gone thru 3 presentations already. 3 more to go. One this coming Wed. And one of the major ones. I'm so gonna screw this. I don't want to care. I have no common sense I know. My comprehension is zero. I am slow I just can't understand what every else understands. Explanation is simple I am not a common being The alternative explanation to this, is that I am stupid. I still hate pharmacy, And I can never understand myself. I think I am a living clone. ARGH where do i belong???????

I wish... gosh, time pass by so slowly..i'm still stuck doing something i don't like..and i still have not found what i can be doing if i'm not doing what im doing now..WTH Just got thru the second presentation TWICE. more to come. really...ALOT! and it's just sooo tiring.. i just don't feel like doing anything right after cos i'm just too drained. though i know i have so much more to do! so many things to read and understand and apply! bleh I hate this life. My life now is basically work+ study. work full time, study after work hours. exams, presentations, case discussions..oh great.. i dun even remember much what i've gone thru.. Sometimes and most of the times, i do hate life. i hate expectations. i just want to be happy. i just want life to be simpler. uncomplicated. not too easy, but not too crazy either till u get depressed from it. No money can buy satisfaction. Even with such pay, i don't think i will stay...it's ruining my freedom and happin...

2007 I miss those days. This poem was exactly from Friday June 1, 2007 where i blogged about how I felt. In fact, I feel the same way today. And, despite being in another context and despite the difference in years, the poem trespass and transcends with time; bringing great meaning into the same words once upon a time ago. I don't hear noise I don't see people I am afraid, loneliness sees me How should I let go this sense of uneasiness? The only person I wish to see now is you My only comfort I seek is you It is you who is able to take my fear and insecurities far away Never even allowing it a single chance to stay I am still afraid Like a small child trapped in darkness How am I to get rid of the trait? I just wished you were here, Calmness