unFathomable Envisagement,Imperfectly Perfect

It has to end somewhere. Feelings are harder to express when going online simply means no privacy. I just wish my 9 months will end soon. 8 more months to go. and I'm still far behind. Yet, I do not care. Pass or fail, I just want my life back It doesn't mean tho that I do not do anything I still struggle to meet expectations that are demanding and ever so high I just wish to pass. Even if I fail, I will have no regrets.. It is my life and I want my life. At least I want stop feeling dreadful for BEING at work and even after work. I want to go to work feeling it's a norm rather than a chore. I want to go to work feeling a sense of satisfaction in terms of completing task that I CAN MANAGE and succeed and feel good about in rather than no sense of anything but depressed and lost of interest in WHATEVER I DO. I want to feel a sense of belonging and confidence rather than I hope I belong and I hope I will gain confidence. Most importantly, I want to get out of Pharmacy, turnov...

An update. 5 weeks as a pre-reg pharmacist. Still depressing. 9 months is hell. I can't wait for it to end. I can't wait to find my true niche and passion in something else. NOT PHARMACY. I'm living each day like a zombie. I hope I won't die coz I'm already dead anyways.

contrary to what others feel on their graduation day I feel totally lousy. No motivational talks can motivate me. Even the sky cried with me. It was the gloomiest day of leaving an institution compared with the rest I had in primary, sec, and college. They were the happiest times. But somehow today was totally the opposite. I just don't know how to live on. But i just have to live on. My brain is dying. I wish i can dissect it and do some sort of repair, and rewash and readjust. Gloomy. Drained. Pissed with myself. Depressed, to sum it all. on my graduation day and 4 weeks as a pre-reg pharmacist. depressing. the end.

I am super worried. SO many of the unwanted unecessary things happening lately. Work has been crazy already and now there's employment pass to settle, unusual medical results which may indicate I have some sort of renal disease, finding out that my next 3 weeks will have total of 3 hours spent on travelling alone to and fro work everyday as i'll be attached to far far away...SUCKS Everything sucks. My health is deteriorating, physically, mentally and emotionally I am in a bad state. I understand that nothing is more important than my own health..and hence I should first tell my mind that I should take things easy. Yet, the thoughts just couldn't stop running across the BRAIN. Even when I'm asleep I have nightmares of dispensing and drugs and patients...I wake up in the middle of the night and have to realise that I am actually sleeping and NOT working..I wake up in the morning feeling sad and appetite-less. I feel nauseated. I come home feeling uninterested in all the t...

It is scary. Everyday I keep wondering if I'm on the wrong path. Everyday I keep thinking why didn't I persist to do something else that makes me a happier person..I was indecisive..and here i am..doing something I really don't like since the beginning.. It is double the toughness coz I have to force myself to like it , I don't have a choice. I have responsibilities.. Seeing others being content with what they're doing now, all happy and ready..I feel envious.. I feel envious because they are sure that this is their path.. Why am I so indecisive that I go blindly into something where I couldn't meet even my own expectations? Not that they are too high..I barely pass the line.. It is TORMENTING. I really try hard. My 'mild' depression started since year 1 and yet I don't realise how it will impact me NOW and more days to come for the rest of my lives. Unless... Unless I could take the BIG LEAP..to do something else more satisfying.. I need to fill my ...

The feeling of being back in Sg is NOT AT ALL PLEASING. A very distant, alien and unfamiliar feeling. It has to be this way now. Every day of the work life, in Sg, doing something I don't like doing. Anyway, it's not like I know what I like doing. And yeah. everything is last minute. I know. I have to keep telling myself that it's not my fault. None at all is my fault if i'm ever late in anything..I don't wanna feel that burden as though i'm at fault for all these last minute surge of events. Bah. I don't care. I don't want to care. Fuck.

I just came back yesterday from an 8 day trip to Taiwan. It was really an amazing trip at the right time to get away from the stresses of exams and university life. In fact, I still couldn't believe the fact that i'm a graduate and won't be going back to NUS after this.Working life will commence and everything will be different. This trip i truly enjoy because of the great company and my loved one traveling with me. It is fun traveling with a bunch of lame fellas sometimes >. Day1: we arrived at taipei about 4pm, rushed to the main station to purchase our hualien and other inter state traveling tickets, and got lost on the way to our hostel as it was situated quite a distance away from the station. However, the hostel was comfy and clean and the landlady was really nice. Nice place to stay with a good price. Just downstairs was the night market and so, we had our dinner there, eating a variety of their night market food ranging from cheese potatoes, sausages,bubbletea to...