Abandoned and alive
Realised I have been away for a long time
There is this urge to express once again
Feeling inwardly awkward still, I could not figure out what is truly going on. Worse of all, it started off right at the start of the new year (2013).
THE vivid dreams came back..
Frightening ones, Yes
Adventurous and risky ones, Yes
Weird and dramatic ones, Yes
Normal that I could not remember most of them but when I could, it stays.
Some repetition or modification, some say improvisation into the one dream which re-plays itself the other nights or comes back after a week or two.
This particular one I remember is probably an effect after watching 'Life of Pi'
The ocean became terribly scary yet beautiful at the same time.
I had fishes ( including predator fishes from the ocean) coming from a tiny tunnel connected to my house, into my living room. My entire two-storey house is fixated right in the middle of the ocean.
When I eventually pump out the water ( using an ordinary pump you would use to unclog your toilet bowl, I could see ships and sails going in whirlwind and sinking down into the ocean.
Weird.
Everyday now I wake up feeling a disdainful lot of routine.
Sometimes I wished I own a business but I knew I may not be able to persevere throughout to keep it going all the time. I could not even do that in my own life!
I've lost all sense of excitement, fun. When was the last time I laughed my intestines out I couldn't remember.
Most of all, I guess what is bothering me most is my circle of friends.
I do not have many close friends to begin with. And I do not have many that I could look for or trust in times of need. Sometimes, I feel like a burden I keep going back to the same people with the same problems.
It is sad I have only all my pent up emotional turmoil inside of me. It is unfair to keep pouring them onto one person.
Next, my career is out of sight. I don't see myself anywhere. Many people that I know whom I used to go to school with, is either doing a PhD, Masters in something or going up in ranks, earning big bucks, enjoying life to the max.
Some have decided to quit their jobs for awhile in search of other things, travelled around the world, experience life, not regretting a single bit of it.
Whereas for me, I STILL do not know where I am heading to. More like going in circles.
For a moment, I felt like I want to learn about aesthetics, I want to do aromatherapy. Maybe take up a course in aromatherapy to be a certified one. But with this, what can I do with the knowledge? Does it help with my finances?
Other things I wish to do: to take up lessons in brewing quality coffee, latte art.
Yet again, with this, I would probably end up just a barista earning 5-6bucks an hour.
I am not an art person, also not a science person. Not a law person, not one would break the law for something good.
Argh. After 6+ years in Singapore, I am still stuck. People say you must try to let go..but let go of what?
Maybe I should try to just forget what I go through daily i.e. the routine and seek for fulfillment somewhere else in my dreams.
Neither too hot nor too cold
Not up not down
Sometimes positive for seconds
Then negative more minutes
Caffeine gets you going slightly more
Without it sinks you entirely
What am I?
There is this urge to express once again
Feeling inwardly awkward still, I could not figure out what is truly going on. Worse of all, it started off right at the start of the new year (2013).
THE vivid dreams came back..
Frightening ones, Yes
Adventurous and risky ones, Yes
Weird and dramatic ones, Yes
Normal that I could not remember most of them but when I could, it stays.
Some repetition or modification, some say improvisation into the one dream which re-plays itself the other nights or comes back after a week or two.
This particular one I remember is probably an effect after watching 'Life of Pi'
The ocean became terribly scary yet beautiful at the same time.
I had fishes ( including predator fishes from the ocean) coming from a tiny tunnel connected to my house, into my living room. My entire two-storey house is fixated right in the middle of the ocean.
When I eventually pump out the water ( using an ordinary pump you would use to unclog your toilet bowl, I could see ships and sails going in whirlwind and sinking down into the ocean.
Weird.
Everyday now I wake up feeling a disdainful lot of routine.
Sometimes I wished I own a business but I knew I may not be able to persevere throughout to keep it going all the time. I could not even do that in my own life!
I've lost all sense of excitement, fun. When was the last time I laughed my intestines out I couldn't remember.
Most of all, I guess what is bothering me most is my circle of friends.
I do not have many close friends to begin with. And I do not have many that I could look for or trust in times of need. Sometimes, I feel like a burden I keep going back to the same people with the same problems.
It is sad I have only all my pent up emotional turmoil inside of me. It is unfair to keep pouring them onto one person.
Next, my career is out of sight. I don't see myself anywhere. Many people that I know whom I used to go to school with, is either doing a PhD, Masters in something or going up in ranks, earning big bucks, enjoying life to the max.
Some have decided to quit their jobs for awhile in search of other things, travelled around the world, experience life, not regretting a single bit of it.
Whereas for me, I STILL do not know where I am heading to. More like going in circles.
For a moment, I felt like I want to learn about aesthetics, I want to do aromatherapy. Maybe take up a course in aromatherapy to be a certified one. But with this, what can I do with the knowledge? Does it help with my finances?
Other things I wish to do: to take up lessons in brewing quality coffee, latte art.
Yet again, with this, I would probably end up just a barista earning 5-6bucks an hour.
I am not an art person, also not a science person. Not a law person, not one would break the law for something good.
Argh. After 6+ years in Singapore, I am still stuck. People say you must try to let go..but let go of what?
Maybe I should try to just forget what I go through daily i.e. the routine and seek for fulfillment somewhere else in my dreams.
Neither too hot nor too cold
Not up not down
Sometimes positive for seconds
Then negative more minutes
Caffeine gets you going slightly more
Without it sinks you entirely
What am I?
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