Everytime when I feel like blogging I will hessitate to blog. And hessitations thus hindered me from blogging.

Hrm. Sounds familiar. * reliving familiar thoughts* ' Everytime when I feel like studying I will hessitate to study. And hessitations hindered me from STUDYING'.

ok, now i realise i'm not only lazy in studying, I'm also lazy in blogging..what has gone wrong with me? I used to blog quite frequent during my college years. Now, when I click ' sign in' in my blogspot, and 'new post', from a moment I will go blank staring at the blank template in front of me.

Has NUS shut down all my creative juices? Those creative juices I once have ..sufficient to allow me to crap and blabber about certain issues or dissatisfaction in life. Even poems that I could come up easily to convey my feelings..

I just returned 'home' from a movie called 'Vantage Point'. Genius plot i would say. Makes you think. Nice.

Ok out of nowhere the 2 lines above came in ..don't ask me why. I simply feel that I'm a messy messy person. Thoughts always in a mess, can't connect the dots together. yeah right, what's his name again? the founder of MAC computers? Steve Job ? whtever..his phrase ' You can never connect the dots forward, you can only connect them backwards.' My phrase ' I can never connect the dots forwards, I can never connect them backwards too! '*pissed*

I don't know if I'm losing faith. Our pharm analysis lecturer kept saying and telling us to ' Keep the faith in Pharm Analysis, the dots WILL connect' errr..ok...I will try. But this doesn't only apply to pharm analysis.....this goes the same for each and every module this semester. I'm just freaking out. Pharmacology is similar to Physiology. My worst nightmare ...it reminded me of my first encounter with failure. naive me. Well ok, hence now i'm NOT so naive anymore. Won't kena tipu tht ' i think i've done ok' and eventually 'failed' . zzz.. Every exam I have to come out thinking that I've done my best and just let it be whatever the results are. I won't compare. I don't want to make a big fuss about it. I just want to .... study peacefully....yeah right. More like 'die' peacefully.

I was about to start my pharmaco revision..and .. i just felt ..held back. Where is 'MOTIVATION'?

2 days ago I had pharmprac tutorial which required us to role play etc. swt. I was called out 'out of the blue' and darn I just wasn't prepared. I feel sick and stupid.

My preceptorship will be soon. I will learn alot. Yes. Definitely. But, I doubt I will be a good community/retail pharmacist. How can I give confidence to patients when I don't even have my own? Perhaps, this entire PHARMACY thing is not meant for me?

ok then now you would say I can choose to go to the Industry or Research. Hrm. not bad idea. I don't have to speak and counsel patients , i just need to deal with drugs and some people.

Looking and my Pharm Analysis lectures, I barely have the patience to READ the lectures. I don't get excited when i see CALCULATIONS. I freak out. I panic. I hate math. I will simply kill people with the incorrect assays of drugs etc.

Research? hrm. Do you think I can do research when I don't even have the patience to stay in the lab? or even to stayback for a little longer to repeat my experiments just because I want to get more accurate results? Most of the time I would just carry on with what's done and that's it. Pack my bags and leave the lab as early as possible. I am happy.

* A big sigh*

I can't even play the piano as fluent as before now to release stress . I used to do that so often at home. Nowonder when I studied at home , I seldom get this stressful. When I see people perform on the piano, it reminded of me once. Piano was my passion once. Yet now, i took it away from myself. My fault. I came to NUS. I didn't take the initiative to practise, I didn't bother to catch up on my piano. 'My ultimate weakness'

Hence now, I feel regret. Regret is the last thing I want to feel but I can't stop from feeling so. What have I gained in SG.?

- a better chance for a good education.

- a 'chance' for a secure job ( i doubt)

- a chance for a brighter future ( no comments)

- DEBTS ( loans.....)

- braincrash, headaches, migraines, depression, dependency

sienzzz

> Happy Good Friday and Easter Day <

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