Detached

There are vast differences back at home in KL

and

here in NUS.

I seriously don't know what I want

After a week of orientation for the freshies this academic year, I feel totally different. Different in a very negative sense. In a sense I can hardly describe here. Last year, I came to NUS with totally optimistic and a vision to look forward to. I was excited meeting new people, new friends, new course despite the fact that it is unsuitable for me. Yeah. I was.

This year, nothing I felt good about. Everything seems to be disastrous. I don't really care if I'm making this up or anything. My sense of belonging to somewhere is gone. De-attached. Detached.

I lost enthusiasm. I lost my vision. I lost my confidence. I lost my purpose of studying in Sg. I'm doing what I'm doing now because I had to. There is no turning back.

I don't really understand how I can survive the harsh realities of life. Yes I can. Just...difficult. What had gone wrong? What is wrong with me? I realise I'm too fragile. Easily breakable if you define fragile. Darn. I wish. I pray to God that somehow I can be stronger. Physically and mentally, I wish I'm stronger. I have lost my guiding light. Lead me. I pray.

The semester has not even started and I'm already falling sick and feeling sick. Year 2 will be harsh. My aim...I have my aims in mind..and I'm determined to meet them. If I ever falter again...I don't know how SCORING feels like anymore.

Recently,it's once again the 'break up' session, perhaps this is the reason why I'm feeling fragile? Now I understand how long lasting relationships can actually fall apart too. Now I understand why ...why ..long long ago things happen. Sometimes, it is not enough that when you said you're ready, but deep down, you aren't. In what sense? In the sense where you can't even feel good about yourself. There is a saying : How can you love others when you can't even love yourself? This, I find it true.

Sorry if my blog has been all depressing. I'm truthfully a depressing person. That is why many shun me. I understand. I have been confident once. I can be confident if I want to, but right now, I am torn down. I don't wish anyone to console or pity me. I do not deserve any of those. Self pity is shameful. In fact, I know very much that it isn't all that bad. Life still goes on, why frown when you can choose to smile? I don't choose. The weaker side of me just so happens to win over the stronger part of me. Bad devil.

Anyway, all I am devoted now is to my studies. crap.

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